Orbiting the WWE Universe #4 – Superstars

Wanda comes back to give us her insight on another WWE show. She’s starting to get more into the groove! How does it affect her perception of the WWE Universe? 

It was time to cleanse my RAW mind of Punk, Big Show and even my favorite, Sheamus, so a stop from Orbiting the WWE Universe at Superstars was long overdue. I needed to see some new talent and I had also heard from a very reputable source that there was to be a man with a golden voice and fabulous fashion sense appearing on this weeks show. So, read on to hear what I thought of my latest WWE stop.

Hunico vs Yoshi Tatsu

Well the disappointing thing is I missed the opening and therefore Tatsu’s entrance. But, I’m thinking it went something like this….
What side is that streak of red hair, left or is it right? Did my hairdresser make sure the color matched my fire engine red tight pants? Should I have worn my hair loose and flowing or is it better tied up? Were the tassles on my arms the right accessory?
So lucky for me I got to see Hunico talkin, I don’t know what on his way to the ring. Sayin a lot of something but not really makin any sense. Ok, bad spellin ends here! Black tank top, black pants, black sunnies to protect his eyes from the glare of the stadium lights and what’s that, white trainers…oooh, now that’s what I call sexy. Best accessory has to be the bandana, or is it the beanie wearing eye candy on that bicycle next to him?

So Hunico still talking about the weather when Tatsu makes a move on him, “come to me Hunico and check out the package I have in my pants”. A fantastic leap from the ropes by Tatsu over Hunico’s head and then a full pelt body slam not once, or twice but three times.
I’m really enjoying Tatsu, not seen him before and he has some pretty inventive moves, just wish he would finish Hunico off.
Hunico climbs the ropes but takes so long to get up that Tatsu climbs up after him, wraps his legs around Hunico’s neck and back flips them both over slamming Hunico on the floor (picture those cartoon stars floating around his head now). But even that wasn’t enough to end the match. A few more swings, slams, slaps and smashes and finally Hunico brings out the nasty to finish Tatsu off.

Alex Riley vs Jinder Mahal

Wow could Josh Mathews look any less intelligent and you are not convincing me you are smart by using words greater than one syllable. And Scott Stanford, how do you keep your brain cells from being sucked out of your head by Mathews?
I’ve not seen Riley before, he is fit, but doesn’t stay still long enough for me to get a good look of his face. Just caught a glimpse of his face, yep, no doubt he sure is a pretty boy, I just hope he can wrestle.
Mahal, I’ve seen you before, turban, perspex turban holder, but wait what’s that you are wearing tonight, a coat made from your curtains. Things must be tough in the Mahal royalty if you are using your curtains. I do like your white boots though, very sixties and they are coming back into fashion so who knows, maybe curtain fabric coats will too.
I’ve just noticed that Riley has a great booty. Goodness, both wrestlers are wearing tight fitting budgie smugglers (ok, for you non Aussie’s, Google budgie smugglers to know what I’m talking about). But Riley is definitely filling his out much better and getting full value from them. Don’t be afraid to use color for your pants though Riley, although I do like the subtle tones of gold and green on them (an obvious acknowledgement to your newest Aussie fan, me!)
Cue next demonstration by Mathews that he is not as dumb as he seems, Scott was talking about Riley’s 5 tiers when Mathews said “um, thats only 4 you have described” to Scott…..well duh, Scott so knew that and was leaving the best till last “5, the women love this guy”. We sure do Scott, we absolutely do and I’m sure a few guys out there love Riley too.
I’ve just realized I’ve not mentioned anything about the actual match. Ok, here it goes, Mahal headlocks Riley (noooooo) but Riley gets out of it and with Mahal bouncing off the ropes, flings himself from the ropes and flies through the air ever so gracefully to kick Mahal down to the floor (yeahhhhhh).
Scott, please don’t suggest Mathews uses Google to look Mahal’s Bollywood girlfriends. Remember, he is not as worldly as you and probably doesn’t understand the term girlfriend let alone Google.
Ouch, gasp, absolute horror….Mahal has slammed Riley on the ropes and possibly damaged potential mini Riley’s from being made…I don’t like Mahal and no it’s not because of the curtain coat, he just has a look in his eyes. Maybe it’s determination or to put the fear in his opponents but the look is not nice. Riley comes back, smashes into Mahal (yay) but then Mahal unleashes the camel clutch on Riley and the match ends (boooo).
Well, that’s the end of my review as I need to console myself that Riley was not victorious…..ok, I have moved on now and am ready for the next match.

Intermission, RAW recap time with John Cena and People Power speedster, Mr John Laurinaitis. Ok, I know this Laurinaitis dude is GM of RAW and Smackdown but really, do we need too see so much of him. And if we have too, could he not have got himself a bigger gopher to ride on.
Best part of intermission, Cena saucing Cole, worst part seeing Cole shirtless and pant less. No one should have to see that, no one. Therapy needed now….

Broski Zack Ryder vs Jack Swagger

Ryder reminds me of an Aussie 80’s singer with his hairstyle, purple sunnies and fluorescent pants Woo Woo Woo (another reference to use Google and check out pic’s of the singer Brian Mannix and you might see what I am talking about, don’t forget to squint your eyes before looking). His smirk too is rather fetching, or maybe Ryder is trying to snarl. More practice needed in front of your mirror and don’t wear the sunnies.
Swagger is “Aquaman” in his outfit with a “I’ve pooped my pants” walk. On first glance he reminded me of a younger Regal, but no, not at all, Regal is so much more ummm, excuse me while I just go and cool down.
I’m not getting the circle prance that Swagger is doing around Ryder. He reminds me of a great white shark circling its next victim, but Swagger’s prance is more “look at me running, I’m just fabulous”.
I can hear the gasp now from Solace when Scott said he doesn’t like to take his shirt off. Don’t worry Solace, he won’t take his shirt off with Ryder as Ryder will only be jealous. And he has to be careful to not burn that delicate, luscious skin  of his.
Swagger is just knocking Ryder over like he is a bowling ball and Ryder the solitary pin.
Mathews please shut up. So what if Scott is friends with Ryder. So what if Scott knows more bigger words than you, can you please, please do us all a favor and forget that they are friends. One day, you will get a friend, but for now, just be pleased for Scott.
Ryder picks Swagger up with one arm and flung him to the floor. Goodness, it’s hard to believe just how strong Ryder is, Woo Woo Woo.
I’ve just worked out that Swagger reminds me of what I think Americans call a Jock, a football player from a school, where Ryder would be the boy who has his head shoved down the toilet by the Jock.
Finally, the Broski move is out but it’s not enough to finish Swagger off. Wow, Swagger is bleeding from the mouth, looks like that Broski move did some damage but not enough, as Swagger pins Ryder down for a final time to win.

Well, superstars was pretty good, no Diva’s thank goodness and three matches that were full of entertainment and special moves. Highlight of the show, has to be Alex Riley. Even though he lost this time around he will be back if only to satisfy the female WWE audience. Worst part of show that my ears were subjected to the whiny voice of Mathews. I don’t get how he is more popular than Scott Stanford or Regal. I know he is younger but really, without Scott on Superstars it wouldn’t be super no matter how many stars were in it.

I have enjoyed my short stop this time around. Thanks as always to the two people who I hold totally responsible for my interest in all things WWE, my long distance pals, Solace Winter and Shawn Decker.


Posted on June 10, 2012, in June 2012, WWE and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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