Orbiting the WWE Universe #3 – WrestleMania XXVIII

Welcome back to Wanda or @wvawser, guest writer and sometime watcher of the WWE. As a fan that tunes in occasionally her take can seem a bit unorthodox, which is part of the fun. Welcome her back and get her honest take and thoughts on the biggest event of the year in the WWE Universe! (Would have been better if Scott Stanford had been there… just sayin’)

WrestleMania XXVIII – Miami, Florida 1st April 2012 (April fool’s Day)

Stop number 3 of Orbiting the WWE Universe had me landing at the biggest WWE event of 2012, WrestleMania XXVIII. So, you are asking me, why stop here? Well I am a virgin…..in these areas of WWE (as in never seen):

·                    WrestleMania

·                    Kane, Randy Orton, Triple H and The Undertaker

·                    Hell in a Cell

Additionally and the most important reason why, is for the first time (yes, a virgin in this as well), I participated in Solace Winter’s PPV predictions for this event. What you don’t know about me is that I can be highly competitive and since I had a vested interest in the outcomes of the WrestleMania XXVIII match-up’s, there is nothing like being at the event (viewed in the comfort of my lounge, with big screen television and sofa).

So, what’s this virgin’s view of WrestleMania XXVIII, read on to find out.

Match-up 1

World Heavyweight Championship – The Great White Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan

Sheamus is looking pumped and ready to go, the Miami heat not affecting him at all. Looking shiny but I’m putting that down to the sweet smelling sweat he has generated being excited and pumped rather than oil. He wouldn’t use oil, that is just not him.

Mini Sheamus comes out with a girl, but he seems to not even know she is there. Concentrating more on making sure he jumps enough for his belt bling to flop around his waist. Oh hang on I get why she is here, she is the ring rope spreader. Mini Sheamus needs the rope spread to get his ego into the ring (ouch, that’s tough). Good idea to wear the burgundy and white bathrobe though, soak up some of that Miami sweat he generated being as nervous as a mouse surrounded by a group of kitty cats. A kiss before starting the match from AJ, not good buddy, you need to be focused on the wrestling not the necking.

The match….blink and you would have missed it. A superior and focused Great White Sheamus leaps and shoves his right boot into Mini Sheamus, then holds him down to get the 3 count while Mini Sheamus’ right leg is in the air, shaking. Hmmm, the reverse angle of the hit has put a vision in my head of those “funniest home videos” when a boy dog is busy doing his stuff with another dog; I call it “humping”. Now I’m not saying that this is what Mini Sheamus was trying to do to Sheamus but he was kissed by AJ so might have been trying to hide / mask something else going on in his pants.

I just love how Sheamus keeps looking at his new World Heavyweight Championship bling (oops, belt). It’s as if he has found a long lost friend and can’t believe he has found them again.

My PPV Prediction – Sheamus, good start, 1 from 1

Match-up 2

Kane vs Randy Orton (RKO)

My first time seeing either of these gentlemen wrestle and I am very, very excited to see what they have to offer.

Kane, very, very dark character, glove on right hand and “iron” mask on face. Costume with giant red stitching which I assume comes from his opponents’ blood. Wait, he takes off his “iron” mask to reveal a red, fitting mask. Ok, even more scared than I was with the “iron” mask. A close up on Kane shows the detail of the red mask, creases in the forehead area, cut outs for the evil eyes and wicked mouth with a nice bit of Velcro underneath to hold it all together….hang on Velcro doesn’t hold that well and wouldn’t take much to rip it off.

Orton, doesn’t do much on his entrance, isn’t into this “big showoff” walk through, let’s his tatts speak for themselves although I have noticed a bit of a swagger. Oh wait, no he is into the “showoff” stuff he just waited till he got to the ring to do it. This would also to be to show off his metallic blue nice fitting pants to the crowd so that they can see his entire package.

The match – Well, so far has gone for longer than match-up 1 so the crowd is getting their money’s worth in this match. I’m impressed with how Orton is not intimidated at all by Kane, going for him at the ring of the bell. It could be just me though but I reckon the first few attempts to hit Kane missed; maybe he was just warming up or removing some pesky Miami dusk insects from in front of Kane’s face. Nice move by Kane, picking Orton up and slamming him over the ropes as if he was hanging out the washing. Hmmm, don’t think he took to kindly to Orton removing those pesky Miami dusk insects from in front of his face (must have been Kane’s pets). A close up on Orton’s face whilst in a head lock from Kane shows some really great facial movements. He must have been practising those features for some time now as they were close to perfect. He actually looks convincing that he is in trouble and is struggling for breath – you don’t get those movements without hours and hours of study – kid’s, take note! One for one smacks of each other, now this is what I call entertainment. These guys seem so evenly matched. And then Orton breaks the momentum by hitting Kane more than once and goes for the flinging off the ring ropes manoeuvre…..when Kane rams his gloved right hand under the unsuspecting chin of Orton…OUCH and then Orton falls back slamming his body into the floor. I hope Orton has top dental and medical cover as his teeth and jaw will surely need some work done to repair the Kane ram. But wait, just when I thought it was over and Orton could not possibly recover, Kane helps him up, what a nice guy that Kane is. Maybe he felt a bit bad for the ram or maybe he is a true gentleman after all and not the big red monster the commentators make him out to be. And how does he get paid for his kindness, one Orton boot to the mouth.

I cannot believe how many 2 counts there have been in this match and most of them Kane holding Orton down. Now this could be the cynic in me but why can’t Kane end this now, he has had so many opportunities to end it yet it doesn’t. Orton just “power slammed” Kane onto the floor, impressive move but then he lets Kane get up. Since you finally have the big guy Kane on the floor, why not take advantage of this and go for a 3 count? No, let’s allow Kane to get back on his feet so that we are on the same level. At this stage in the match, both guys are looking a little worse for wear. All that is needed is those animated stars that circle a cartoon characters head to signify they are dizzy and hurting…but wait this is not a cartoon, this is real life and no animations or make believe here.

Orton has just face-planted Kane into the floor, could we be close to a victor of this match, nope. Kane gets up, slams Orton to the floor and yet another 2 count. Kane gets up on the top rope, jumps off and fly’s through the air only to meet Orton’s right boot and both men end up rolling on the ground in pain and agony. Off the floor, Kane picks up Orton by the neck with his gloved right hand and slams him back onto the floor. Ok, it’s gotta be over now…..nope, yet another 2 count. Kane must be wondering what in the world he has to do to win this match. Kane must be getting tired; he is sitting on top of the ropes and allowing Orton to hit him. Kane, you will never win a match sitting down so get off your butt and defend yourself. But wait, Orton decides he too wants to be on the top of the ropes, but there is only room for one there buddy. Kane takes you by the throat again and slams you into the floor…..1 count….2 count…..3 count. It’s over, Kane is victorious.

My PPV Prediction – Kane, on a roll, 2 from 2

Match-up 3

Intercontinental Championship – Cody Rhodes vs Big Show

Rhodes strides in wearing a beautiful sleeveless long vinyl red, black and white coat, zipped so to show off his matching red pants. Looks a little ridiculous though at the back as the coat is too long for him. Maybe he got it made that way so he has room to grow into it. Or perhaps he was wearing his platforms when the measurements were taken. 

Big Show walks in, no special WrestleMania outfit for him, sticks to what is comfy and fits well. Hang on, the commentators are saying Big Show is a WrestleMania choker, lets prove them wrong tonight (2nd highest losses in the history of WrestleMania, at least you are not top). I know what its like to choke in big competition and it is in your control Big Show to get this monkey off your back. This man makes my heart melt, such a kind and selfless individual, once again giving his sweaty, camouflage beanie to a youngster (who will likely have her parents sell it on ebay so they can put the money towards their next WWE event, oops I mean place the money into the youngsters savings account with the bank). I’m not liking the leg warmers though, Miami is supposed to be warm and leg warmers should not be necessary unless making a fashion statement.

Start of the match sees Rhodes run under the ropes and out of the ring, trying to keep away from Big Show. Well that’s not wrestling, that’s playing catch me if you can and is totally unfair to have Big Show running around the ring after you as he doesn’t run well. I didn’t know Rhodes had such affection for Big Show, leaping into Big Show’s arms from the ropes only to have Big Show toss you back into the ring as if he was tossing a salad. Wow, now they are in the ring you can really tell the size difference between the two of them. Another toss of Rhodes onto the floor looks like Big Show has moved onto another salad. Placing Rhodes in the corner of the ring and pushing him down so he is sitting on the floor, what move is coming up, the butt in your face move. OMG, what an embarrassing situation for Rhodes to be in, arms flying about and the lighting gives the appearance that his head has been swallowed up by Big Shows butt crack. I hope Big Shows pre match meal wasn’t anything that was gas producing….it can’t have been as Rhodes is still conscious. Big Show is thoroughly enjoying himself and giving the crowd a show they will not see again for some time. Now Rhodes is seeking revenge on the butt crack exposure by using his one trick pony drop kicks on Big Show. Rhodes tries for the 3 count on Big Show only to be sent flying after 1 count. Now Rhodes is back paying particular attention to Big Shows legs and doing a mighty fine job of inflicting pain which is evident by the facial expressions and head shaking of Big Show. Rhodes, uses  one too many times the disaster kick on Big Show as he retaliates and inflicts pain to Rhodes manly regions (my guess is all you men out there seeing this live winced in extreme pain and sympathy at this very point for Rhodes). This obviously took the wind out of Rhodes and no doubt had his sperm running for their survival as with one final right handed lunge and the strap of his one piece now off his shoulder (you know exposing your nipple has so been done before,  but perhaps not at WrestleMania), the match was all over, Big Show the victor and signing “nah, nah I’m not a choker now, I am the Intercontinental Champion”.

Big Show, emotional, love it and the choke artist monkey is off your back! The bling makers at WWE might need to provide Big Show with some extensions for the belt as he would be lucky to fit that around his thigh. Keep looking at the bling Big Show, you won, you deserve it.

My PPV Prediction – Big Show, on a break stick now, 3 from 3

Match-up 4

Diva’s – Kelly Kelly / Maria Menounos vs Beth Phoenix / Eve

Sigh, readers of my reviews will know of my position around Diva’s. They just bore me. It’s not jealousy or envy, I just don’t understand why WWE needs “glitz and glamour”. “I get paid to see the world” is what one of these Divas states in the pre match promo….well that says it all. It’s all about the money and fame and not about the sport at all.

Now I am sitting through watching these Diva’s saying “I’ve walked red carpets, gone to premieres, acting, modelling, music videos, covers of magazines, this is the life I wanted to live, it’s a dream come true”….yawn. The only highlight was hearing Madonna sing during the pre match promo and that is saying something. Thank goodness it wasn’t my favourite band selling out to the Divas.

What the hell is Beth Phoenix wearing – I thought there was a reindeer entering the stadium. Nice head wear but it is not going to take off….watch out for the fashion police as they will be after you in that get up. Is this to get you noticed, well it worked but not for the right reasons. And I’m sorry Eve but Beth’s outfit totally took the focus away from you….which is not fair and not what I would classify as “team” – there is no I in team, Beth!

Oh goodness, now another slip away to show the incident on “Extra” leading to this match-up. Please, please just start with the wrestling. The pain I am experiencing watching this is equivalent to fingernails screeching down a blackboard, continuously.

Hurry up and start with the wrestling already!

Kelly x 2 and Maria walk out and neither is dominating; they are equal and a team. I gotta say that Maria’s homage to her Greek culture looks spectacular in sequins, whilst Kelly x2’s outfit is a what I would expect to see Wonder Woman wearing in this era. I am no way calling Kelly x2 Wonder Woman but her outfit, all she needs is the golden lasso which she may have hiding…..hmmm, nowhere to hide a golden lasso in that outfit, right guys! I so need to get me some of those boots that Kelly x2 is wearing, hang on I have them already and they are my lace up ugh boots.

Yay the bell has been rung, off to make a cuppa now.

Ok, I will admit I am watching this match (I did pay for it after all) and like the wiggle of the bottoms in Eve’s face. A couple of problems with that, well actually one that I am willing to comment on. Maria now has makeup / fake tan all over the right butt cheek side of her white pants and Eve is left with no makeup / fake tan on her left cheek of her face. If you are going to do a shake your booty on someone’s face, don’t wear white pants as the stain from makeup / fake tan is an absolute bugger to get out (not that I am speaking from experience having never worn white pants when shaking my booty on someone’s face).

I am surprised by the way the match ended, it was obvious that Maria was in a fair bit of pain from getting her white pants dirty but to be able to pull a move to end the match by pinning Beth down for a 3 count, well you would only see that in the movies or a reality television show.

My PPV Prediction – Kelly x2 / Mari, 4 from 4 (it is at this point I think my luck at this predictions game is about to run out)

Match-up 5

End of an Era, Hell in a Cell – Triple H vs The Undertaker

Shawn Michaels the referee gets to do his own “I wanna be Funkasaurus” entry to the ring. Don’t give up your day job Shawn as you don’t have the grooves to be prancing and dancing to the ring. Can I suggest some backup dancers next time (in the form of Momma Clay’s bridge club)?

This match is about Triple H and The Undertaker right? Shawn is getting a fair bit of televised time.

Oh wait, here is Triple H emerging from his cave. Having not seen this man in action before, I am wondering what the HHH stands for. I realise there is probably some significant meaning behind these initials but bear with me here….Handsome, Hunk, Hero. You were not expecting that were you? This guy is amazing, I’m sure I just saw water being spit from his mouth like a water feature you would give your Mom for Mothers Day for her garden. The lighting in the arena makes him look like a giant green gnome, maybe that’s what he is, a Giant Green Gnome water feature.

Next up an entrance worthy of the man known as The Undertaker although I believe there is now a shortage of dry ice in the world. I like the entrance music, very gothic and matches his persona well. This man scares the bejesus out of me so this review will no doubt seem very one sided as I fear ramifications from The Undertaker if he is not fairly represented. Now the lights have come on, I have to say that I am disappointed in his hood. It looks like an add on after thought or that maybe he left part of his outfit at home. Oh I think I need to just go to the bathroom, quickly, he has taken his hood off and is just too scary. Wait, he is wearing mascara…I wonder if it’s the pencil on type of the permanent tattoo mascara. I like how he is trying to fit into the whole gothic look but needs to work on the outfit more – the eye make-up is a good start. 8 points out of 10 Mr Undertaker for trying.

I have not seen either of these men fight before nor have I seen hell in a cell; it’s like a cone of silence being placed over the ring, without the silence bit.

These two have been staring at one another for ever, is this what Hell in a Cell is all about “let’s see who can stare the longest before blinking”. Um, sorry guys but your fans have paid for more than a stare down match.

The bell sounds and for the first time I can see The Undertakers outfit without the coat. Are they leotards he is wearing? Straight away it’s very physical and fast. For the first time ever, I am seeing blood in the ring and there is use of stairs and chairs as weapons against each other. Hell in a Cell is a lawless entity the commentators have just said. Absolutely correct and it is also extremely violent. It’s no wonder they are calling this the end of an era match, if either of these men survive the belting that is happening they are not going to be able to wrestle again.

I know why they have this Shawn Michaels as the referee, he is totally indecisive. Just the qualities you want in a referee. Where the heck did the sledgehammer come from? What equipment do they have “hiding” under the ring? It’s not the kitchen sink but perhaps the tool sheds of Triple H and The Undertaker combined.

Match has ended, The Undertaker the victorious, bloodied, exhausted but with a record 20 to 0 winning streak. The End of an Era…..or is it? Oh, and maybe WWE should think about renaming this Rage in a Cage or at least add this as a subtitle to Hell in a Cell. It’s not really a cell after all.

My PPV Prediction – The Undertaker, 5 from 5 (ok, this is just awesome but the nervousness is now kicking in as it’s a long way to fall and I’m equal top with 2 others…..oooooh yeah!)

Match-up 6 

Team Johnny vs Team Teddy

Team Johnny – The Miz (nice grey jacket), Mark Henry (this man is huge), Drew McIntyre, Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler (who wears his pink shades on the back of his head – oh dear), Daivd Otunga (him with the massive guns hiding under his red cape and the coffee cup permanently attached to his hand). It’s the Thin White Duke, otherwise known as John Laurinaitis with his flag waver Vickie Guerrero.

Team Teddy – Kofi Kingston (so much energy he needs to pace himself so he still has some for the match), The Great Khali (the man with the chin implants and a distant relation to Jay Leno), R-Truth (pants with his name on the outside, normally you put your name on the tag inside your pants), Zack Ryder (nice jacket, RyderMania, original), Booker T (what a friendly chap), Santino Marella (oh no, he has not got his green hand puppet on). Finally, Theodore “Teddy” Long getting his groove thang on with Aksana and Hornswoggle.

I am watching Wrestling right? For a few moments I thought I was watching “so you think you can dance” with Team Teddy’s wrestlers more interested in dancing than wrestling.

Another interesting and very important observation made, the pants are not fitting too well on some of the wrestlers. Not too tight but not being filled out to capacity. I hesitate to call them “bloomers” but they are not what I expected to see. Maybe it’s their design and pattern that gives them this appearance. And I am sorry but Otunga looks as if he is wearing a netball bib, thank goodness he doesn’t have a muffin top and can pull this look off.

Yay, the green hand puppet makes an appearance, although I so wouldn’t want to be hit anywhere with this given Santino pulled this out from his pants. Perhaps the green hand puppet serves dual purposes with the other being a form of additional padding in the nether region to bulk himself up.

Team Johnny wins thanks to The Miz pinning down Zack Ryder for the 3 count.

My PPV Prediction – Team Johnny, 6 from 6 (now beyond excited and equal top with 1 other, could the title finally be awarded to a female predictor?)

Match-up 7

WWE Championship CM Punk vs Chris Jericho

Chris Jericho has out done himself this time, a mixture of red, white and blue LED lights on his jacket. No doubt a Wrestlemania special that may or may not make an appearance again. Oh wow, he has also got matching pants and boots on too with his name emblazoned on them.

CM Punk nice bit of bling around your waist and doesn’t bother with the glitz and glam of Jericho, going with a basic black t-shirt with “Best in the World” printed on the back. Good way to promote your merchandise.

Bell rings, Jericho and Punk in opposite corners eying each other off with Punk belting Jericho with repeated counts by the referee that could disqualify Punk. Jericho retaliates with verbal taunting of Punk, not fair Jericho, wrestle properly, actions speak louder than words. Jericho seems to be running away and taunting Punk to use unlawful actions to get him disqualified. Is that how you want to win the championship Jericho. I don’t like Punk but would prefer a proper wrestling match based on ability and skill rather than unfair play.

Now Jericho has come back and is using his skills rather than his mouth to pummel Punk. I’m not sure why Punk is still wearing those white bandages on his arms. My theory hasn’t changed since last review, hiding the secret “I luv Chris Jericho” and “Chris Jericho 4 eva” tattoo’s.

This is such an even match-up with both now giving it all, Punk just needs a cape and he could be Super Punk, flying through the air to smash into Jericho….amazing skill and aim to hit his target.

Super Punk finally pins Jericho down long enough to retain the WWE Championship Bling

My PPV Prediction – Jericho, 6 from 7 (oh how the mighty have fallen, feel like I was picked up by the throat and slammed on the floor, that will teach me for doing the happy dance way too early)


The Funkasaurus is at Wrestlemania, he is back everyone, Brodus Clay is back and looking like the funked up dude he is in his white tracksuit, funk bling and beautiful ladies either side. We gonna call our Momma’s. Main Event entertainment, Momma Clay and her bridge club….think they should be renamed the Booty club. All I can say after that is wow Momma Clay you sure are tiny to have delivered Brodus naturally.

The Funkasaurus has returned, I am truly happy.

Match-up 8

The Rock vs John Cena

Just worked out something, The Rock is from Miami Florida, Cena is not. The Rock was never going to lose this match, not in front of his hometown. Just sayin!

I am a little confused by Cena’s outfit for this monumental match. It’s quite plain and looks like he isn’t serious about this at all. May this is his “lucky outfit” but I don’t know, something’s just not quite right about it. For a “once in a lifetime” match he could have looked a little more professional and not like he has walked off the street to wrestle.

Bear hug from Cena seems to disable The Rock but wait The Rock comes back to escape the not so loving hug.  These guys seem very evenly matched, and are putting on a great display of wrestling for their fans to see. One wonders how long they can keep going for, such ferociousness and energy with the sweat just dripping off of them. I really don’t know how The Rock is still able to get up and pick Cena up only to throw him down again. Now The Rock is on the floor and Cena climbs up on the rope of the ring and stands there….waiting…for The Rock to give him the signal of wiping his hand on the floor so he can jump onto him. Ok, some of you probably missed that, but I’m sure there was a signal from The Rock which Cena knew was his sign to jump. Cynical again, maybe, it’s just that Cena was standing in the one place for an awfully long time before jumping.

Payback time, twice Cena has had to touch out to get out from The Rock’s clutches now it’s the reverse. Both guys are spent, so it would seem but then they just keep going on, adrenalin pumping and getting them through. But, the end of this once in a lifetime match is near. Cena has The Rock on the floor but once again The Rock manages to get a shoulder off the floor before the 3 count. While The Rock is still on the floor, Cena runs and bounces off the ropes, turns his back to The Rock and instead of flattening him, gets pinned down by The Rock for the 3 count and it’s all over. The Rock is the winner.   

My PPV Prediction – Cena, 6 from 8 (well, so close but yet, so very far)

So what did I think about my first ever WrestleMania, one word…….awesome! No wonder it’s the WWE event of the year. The fact that at the very beginning of my entry into WWE I said I would never pay to view an event, well that lasted until this viewing. 

Best match of WrestleMania, would have to be the epic battle between Kane and Orton.

Highlight of WrestleMania , the return of Brodus Clay….I just love you Funkasaurus!

Disappointment of WrestleMania, the 18 second match of Sheamus versus Mini Sheamus. I wanted to see more Sheamus as I am sure the fans did too.

Well, I am totally spent after this mammoth event, might take a short break from Orbiting the WWE Universe, but I will be back, just like The Funkasaurus came back 🙂

Posted on April 11, 2012, in April 2012, WWE and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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