Orbiting the WWE Universe 2/27/12

From guest poster Wanda, AKA @wvawser, her second go-round of watching WWE. I think she sounded happier with Smackdown!
WWE RAW –  Portland Oregon, 27th February 2012

I have landed at RAW in Portland Oregon in my next stop while Orbiting the WWE Universe. A little sooner than was planned but the pull to RAW was just too strong. So, here is my take on the latest RAW to air in Australia:

Match-up 1 Champion vs Champion – Punk vs Bryan (with a welcome interruption from Jericho)
CM Punk – oil slick in his hair. He could release his own brand of cooking oil instead of using so much in his hair. What that heck does CM stand for, something real embarrassing like Crimson Mulberry. Nice come back to Jericho, “did you invent Canada”? So what if he did! You gonna steal that too? In Punk we trust! In jealously of Chris Jericho you are. What has he got hiding in those white arm bandages….tattoo’s gone wrong (John Cena 4 eva, HHH is my BFF), or wait tattoo free skin. Geez that’s gotta hurt, Jericho slams Punk into the polystyrene steps.
Chris Jericho – hmm, love that jacket. So want one. The led lights in the sleeves are just beautiful but wait, hang on, do my eyes deceive me. He has let his sister touch his jacket with the bedazzler. Oh and the lights are also in lines in the body of his imitation leather jacket (his velour jacket must be at the dry cleaners again). I think he waxes his chest too as it’s very smooth. Ok, the fans really don’t like him but love Punk. Why is this, is it the old U.S. vs Canada rivalry?

Daniel Bryan – his belt is way bigger than Punks. I can just hear him now “nah nah, mine is sooooo much bigger than yours”. There is definitely waxing going on, such smooth skin on his arms, legs and chest. His waxed hair I am certain has been implanted into his chin.  And what is with bringing your “girlfriend” out to protect you, are you just using her as a distraction for Punk, it didn’t work though. And I just love that the original Great White Sheamus appeared to toss you back in the ring.

Then Jericho reappears and slams Punk into the steel floor grills, that’s so gotta hurt.

Match-up 2 Diva’s (groan) Nikki Bella vs Kelly Kelly

Oh goodness, do I really have to entertain these Diva’s again. I am all for equality but really, let’s be honest here, when these Divas come on, this is when you:
  • go have a bathroom break
  • order a triple cheese pizza with extra cheese from your local pizza
  • go get yourself a drink
  • brew a cup of tea / coffee

Nikki – she looks real but her outfit is just bad. Looks like she borrowed some of Jericho’s jacket vinyl for her boots.
Kelly – hmm, real fake, whitened teeth or is that just an overdone fake tan. And what is with her name. Nice move to end the match though.

Match-up 3 John Cena vs The Miz
John Cena – “Rise Above Hate”/ “Hustle, Loyalty, Respect”.  What guns, what a smile but why, why leave your camouflage shorts on. I have a real problem with wrestlers wearing anything other than nice, snug, short pants. You can get camouflage pants that fit much more snug than long board shorts. I am sure there is something worth seeing that is hiding in your pants.

The Miz – I’m awesome, yep, he has slipped into the oil bath. That is why you are “oilsome”. Nice shiny and snug fitting bedazzled pants. But really no hope against Cena. What sort of a name is The Miz anyway? Short for mizerable (I know that’s not spelt correct but it so matches his demeanor), at least you really fit your name.

Match-up 4 Tag Team Challenge – R-Truth / Kofi Kingston vs Dolph Zieggler / Jack Swagger vs Primo / Epico
Ok, I have to say this, Vickie Guerrero, has the most beautiful voice I have ever heard. Yes that’s right folks, you heard right, beautiful. You might think you hear the meowing of a feral kitty cat or perhaps the mating cry of some rare rainforest gorilla, but no, you are wrong, it is the unmistakable and soothing tones of Ms Guerrero. What’s that you say, hang on, just need to remove my protective, industrial strength ear protection.
R-Truth – baggy pants, boring. How many of you WWE fans know his real name? You have got to admit, R-Truth is pretty unimaginable. I guess more fans will follow him with this name rather than his original name of I-Lied. And the best thing for R-Truth, he can now make the move ever so easily into B grade movies with this B grade name. And having white in the seam of your pants where your butt is, just really isn’t a great idea, oh wait, wardrobe malfunction, you split your pants, hilarious.
Kofi Kingston – how high can you jump man, oh yeah super high with those spring boots you got on. I have heard from my very reputable WWE sources that Kofi’s boots are custom made, each with their own special pogo stick functionality built into the base of them.
Dolph Zieggler  – pink lining in your nice silk dressing gown, what a metrosexual you are. Although can I say that you need to pay attention to your hair as when it is wet with your sweet smelling perspiration, your dark roots are just a little noticeable through you peroxide locks.
Jack Swagger  – wow, either he is really tall or everyone else in the ring is short. You must be really raking in the fans and followers given that Maroon 5 released their song “Moves like Jack Swagger” (haha, tell me that song is not in your head, I bet it is). It’s just a shame you were not available for their video clip, imagine getting up close to xtina and makin’ your moves like Jack Swagger.

Primo / Epico – nice ponchos and came out with Rosa Mendes who got the jealous look from feral kitty cat aka Ms Guerrero.

Then to finish them off, the Big Red Monster, otherwise known as Kane steps into the ring. The mask, what is it hiding? I’m going to cut to the chase here, it is so we do not discover the true identity of the Big Red Monster. There, I said it. You have all been thinking that too but were too scared of the Big Red Monster, well I fear no one, especially because I know who really hides behind the mask. What, you want me to tell you, well maybe, just maybe one day but right now, the Big Red Monster wants to remain fearsome and red, so his secret is safe with me. I am however open to bribery.
Match-up 5 Tag Team – Big Show / The Great White Sheamus vs The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry / Cory Rhodes
Big show – he is wearing the beanie again but is also got his army camouflage gear on that he has obviously borrowed from Cena and you can tell that the black panelling on the sides of his outfit is there so he could fit into the gear (in other words, it had to be let out a little bit for him). Oh how adorable, he gave his sweaty stinky beanie to a young fan, check out eBay folks cause that’s probably on there right now for you to buy at a bargain basement price or has already been snapped up by John Cena
The Great White Sheamus – what nice bling you are wearing and I’m guessing ultra expensive given then care and love you had for it when you so gently chucked it on the ground. Hmmm, why didn’t you give it to a young fan so it could be sold on eBay so that the young fan could use the money to buy themselves a soda or if they were really lucky, a soda and burger. You and Big Show could not be better suited as a tag team.

The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry – oh my, he is huge but what good was that against Big Show or Sheamus

Cody Rhodes – nice big belt you have on Cody and you wear it with such pride. What I don’t get is when you walk up to the ring, why do you walk as if you have pooped yourself? I know you haven’t as white snug pants would show brown poop. Ah, I know, you did a wee and your belt was hiding the wet patch. You can dish it out but when Big Show comes after you why do you run and hide? Don’t want to get that pretty face smashed up, I see nothing wrong at all with that reasoning. Hope you don’t care what the viewers will think though perception is that you ran away cause you were scared…..
Finally….The Rock aka Dwayne Johnson
I remember him in The Scorpion King and Race to Witch Mountain where he was biding his time before making his WWE comeback. Acting and speech coaching has definitely paid off for him as he is a very successful actor. Now he can forget all that acting stuff and concentrate on his return to the international sporting arena that is WWE. A man who loves his fans especially when they sing and chant to him. A what an ingenuous name he has for his rival John Cena, Kung Pow Biatch (number 73 in your Chinese menu’s folks).
And now, on the cue of the chant “Missing Balls” which is obviously in reference to the Footballs, Golf balls, Bowling balls, Tennis balls, Goofballs and disco balls that have gone missing since the beginning of time, John Cena walks in to face off against the rock.
Now I am comparing the guns of The Rock and John Cena, what a fabulous job to have. I can think of many others who would love to be in my position right now.
Post view summary
So what conclusions have I come to after this 2nd view of WWE:
  • that these wrestlers are truly inspirational, the speeches to their invisible opponents are motivating and make me believe I can be a Diva
  • once again, I have focused on the fashion but  I still make no apologies for this. Bedazzled jackets with led lights is going to be the new trend in winter fashion
  • I still like Sheamus although I am also warming to John Cena (for very obvious reasons)
  • RAW had less Match-ups than Smackdown. A lot more talking too but less Diva’s (for which I am eternally grateful)
  • thanks to viewing WWE I am now able to follow many more people on twitter who are celebrities (well wrestlers at least, except for The Rock, who can actually be classified as a celebrity). Doesn’t mean I understand their tweets but boosts my following numbers.
  • that the commentators too can be very entertaining and all they do is sit on their butts opening their mouths. My favorite quote of the night was “well Cole, I don’t understand you, I don’t speak moron of course”. The good thing too is that they are so natural at what they do, not scripted at all.
What you are reading now and what I write in the future would not have happened without the awesome support from Solace Winter and Shawn Decker. These two wonderful people have awakened the creativeness in my brain again.
Meanwhile, I will continue my Orbit of the WWE universe and bring you a newbies take on all you love that is WWE.
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Posted on March 5, 2012, in March 2012, WWE and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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